I wrote this back in March, but after re-reading it an additional five months later, everything continues to hold true. I am compelled to share this in hopes that you know that – there is hope. Because I am still going strong!
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I am excited to share that I have just made it to 66 days without calorie counting! Why is 66 days a big deal, you may ask? Because research has found that on average, it takes 66 days to develop a new habit. My goal is to keep this new habit going, but it’s not easy for me. I have a long ways to go, but now I am happy to share and hope this may inspire or encourage you in whatever you may be pursuing for your own health.
I have been calorie counting for the last 3 years, every single day. Even on vacation, even when I am offline, I have been constantly tracking food. MyFitnessPal had become my best friend. Well, sometimes relationships need to end. This break up was necessary for me after hitting a mental, physical, and emotional rock bottom. I had become so restrictive that my digestive issues flared up immensely and it was also interfering with my social life and causing me a lot of stress. I had no fight left in me to continue expending the mental energy to methodically plan every detail of what I consumed.
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| I only picked restaurants with calorie information! Crazy times. |
So, what did I learn? That you can’t hide from your mental health issues. That habits matter more than weight because one is an action, and the other is an uncontrollable outcome. That the number on the scale doesn’t define my worth. That I want to live my life, and if that means I’m not totally cut and ripped that is ok, because being cut and ripped is not what makes me happy. That I have to sit with my feelings, even when sometimes I feel like crap. And that is ok.
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| Planning, prepping, packing... It was starting to drive me nutty. |
Whew! There is so much more that I can unpack, but let me start with the surface and in subsequent posts, I can get deeper. So, the MyFitnessPal obsession actually led to a lot of unhealthy habits.
I am so thankful to have moved to an intuitive eating mindset. To be clear, this is not a weight gain or weight loss model. It’s just a way to be. It’s an approach that has worked well for me. Using this approach, I have learned a lot and wanted to share my top 10 insights in case it helps you:
- My binging ended. Seriously. I can have cake and tubs of peanut butter in the house and I don’t eat it all. I used to get so deprived keeping anything like that out of the house that if it showed up, I would then turn around and binge on these “trigger” foods. Then I would eliminate it out of my life, beat myself up over it, and get extra restrictive as punishment. Then the cycle would repeat. Not anymore. I know that this sounds crazy. I have had people tell me that if they had their “trigger” foods in the house that they would eat it all. I thought that too. The thing is that when you deprive yourself of a food for a long time, your body just wants it so much more, because it is like a forbidden food. So if it does show up, you go all out eating it like mad crazy because your brain isn’t sure if it will ever show up again. If you have it in your pantry and eat it when you want, over time, the fun is lost. I feel like I have carved out a new neural pathway. I was warned I may binge for a while, but after eating cake for a week you probably also will reject it.
- I feel satisfied. I had treated myself like a robot before, eating the exact same meals and number of calories each day while ignoring feelings of hunger or fullness. Usually, I would eat my allocated amount of meal or snack and still feel hungry. I would then be counting down to the next time I could eat. I would never allow myself any more food, because I was counting calories. Now I just pay more attention, eating mindfully, and I can sense when I am full. I currently have no idea how many calories I take in on a daily basis, which has been really tough, but I had to let it go. Now that I know food is plentiful and I can eat when I am hungry, I don’t think about food all the time the way I used to.
- My digestion improved. Before I started this path, I was suffering from frequent stomach pain and cramps. I was convinced that I had flared up IBS. So I kept cutting food groups, both for gaining “control” in my life and also because I thought that would help my digestive issues – but my issues only got worse. Within a week of eating a variety of foods, all my symptoms cleared. Now I find I only get a flare up when I don’t get in a variety of foods or I eat crazy processed food. Recently I spent a week eating fun foods, but I knew I was low on fruits and veggies. I didn’t feel well and neither did my stomach. Once I got back into getting fruits and veggies back in my plan, I felt great. When you don’t balance out your nutrients, your body tells you. This process has taught me to trust my body.
- Eating is fun. I am trying so many new things, and I naturally gravitate to whole grains, lean proteins, and fruits and vegetables. It tastes good and it makes me feel good. I got rid of everything I had that I didn’t like the taste of, like zero calorie dressings and peanut butter flour. Instead, I use olive oil and peanut butter. And dang, my food tastes soooo good and I derive so much more pleasure in eating what I like.
- I gained time. A ton of head space has been cleared up to allow me to write long musings such as this, but more importantly, time to invest in my family and my own mental health. It is so refreshing to be able to go about my day without robotically planning when/what I am going to eat.
- There’s no judgement. When I treat all food as just that – food – I don’t carry shame or guilt for what I eat. This is a big challenge for me but if I eat a cookie, for example, I am working on accepting it for what it is and not demonizing it. I used to judge this stuff. The thing I realized is that the more I told myself “no” to the “bad” food, the more I craved it. Now I can eat the “bad” food but I just have some and move on. (“Bad” isn’t really bad you know).
- Traveling is easy. I still do toss some nuts and Lara bars in my backpack if I am on the road and in a pinch, but I don’t worry any more about finding food or how many calories are in a plate. I just make do with what I encounter along the way. I used to pack so many containers of food when I was on the road, because I was so scared of not finding food that met my narrow criteria. It’s so freeing to not do that anymore.
- My hunger varies. Some days I am hungrier than others, and that is all right. I find that my eating is cyclical. There are days that I eat more and days that I eat less. Most days I eat 3 times a day, but some days I eat 4 meals with snacks and other days I eat 2 meals with no snacks. In all cases I am not going hungry! I have realized that I am not a robot that needs the exact same number of calories every single day. Some days my body needs more than others, so I just follow it.
- I’m social again. I can react easily now to changes in routine, because it won’t mess up any meal plan. And that is because I do not have a meal plan! I love being able to be in social situations now and not worry about counting food, or discretely skipping eating at a potluck. It is so fun to be part of the group and break bread together.
- I’ve accepted science. Here is what I learned after 3 years of calorie counting. Despite repeatedly changing calorie counts and macronutrients, I couldn’t change my body’s natural state. No matter what I do, my body has a natural set point and it will fight for that. Yep, I could get super restrictive again and get down to the lower end of my set point. But I’m no longer willing to try to work to the point of obsession just to make myself smaller. It’s stressful and being smaller won’t make me happier. I have been there and it’s not fun. I am at my set point and I am good with that.
We can’t control what our exterior looks like when you think about it. We are all going to age, and in different seasons our body will change too. But what we can control are our habits. While there is a lot that I have had to accept with changes in my body in the past 66 days, the positive benefits to ending my calorie counting days have been numerous. My list is about what I have experienced personally, but I can also share that the outpouring of support from family and friends is what has really kept me going. While too personal to share on the internet, I have been told stories that truly warm my heart and remind me that my actions have the potential to inspire others like you readers. And I truly hope that you know that you are worth it. Just eat well, move your body, keep your mental health as a priority, and accept yourself inside and out for everything God has made you to be.
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