It has been nearly a year since I have stopped counting calories! I have spent a lot of time thinking back to my journey and getting to where I am today. I am not done yet. I still have foods that I am afraid to eat, and rules about when to eat are very hard for me to break. But I am farther along than I was before. Most importantly, I was able to tackle the root cause of my issues and that is what led to my breakthrough to change.
My journey to “healthy eating” started in December of 2015. I felt like I was getting a bit “fluffy” and my use of MyFitnessPal began. I started tracking calories and decided to target a certain range. I’m not sure why I picked the number that I did, but I remember being hungry a lot. I ignored my hunger because I wanted to lose weight. And I did. It came off quickly, and more came off than I thought was possible.
I sure wasn’t “fluffy” at this point. I lost weight everywhere. The doctors and nutritionists that I consulted with told me I was fine. Here’s what was wrong:
- There was a lot of concern that I lost to much. My mom and mother in law were both worried that I went too far. I had someone at work bring me in their office and shut the door and tell me that they were concerned about how I looked, after seeing me over the weekend in a tank top. The nutritionists said that people were just surprised with my weight loss and that is why I was getting these comments. Meanwhile, people thought I was sick. I got asked if I had cancer. Now I look back at pictures and see what others saw, that I could not see at the time. I looked like I was dying.
- I was in pain. I was training for a marathon and I didn’t allocate any time for recovery days if I could help it. My bones didn’t have much to cushion them. When I would lay down in bed at night, I could feel my bones pressing in to the mattress, and it hurt. I was waking up at night and whimpering like a dog.
- I was unhappy. News flash, losing weight does not mean that you will be happy! Though I thought my weight loss was a success, I was not happy with myself. More on that piece later.
- Big red flag: I lost my period. I didn’t realize it at the time, but actually my body had to shut something down to keep me going. Between the calorie restriction and lots of exercise, something had to give. It was my reproductive system. Basically, my body said it could live without that in order to keep all other systems a go. And I had a doctor tell me not only that nothing was wrong with me, but to enjoy not having my period.
Here’s the thing. Nobody knew what was going on inside, not even me. I had some stressors in my life at the time that were out of control. I couldn’t manage the root cause of it. So instead I subconsciously decided to control what I ate. It was something I could manage. And when I saw success, not only did I continue to calorie count daily, but I became even more stringent. I cut more food groups and became more restrictive.
In the summer of 2018, the stressors got worse and my disordered eating did too. I began what is known as the restrict/binge cycle. I would restrict, then I would eat something “bad”. And lots of it. Like spooning a bunch of Nutella out of a jar and gorging on it, or standing over the stovetop after dinner while shoveling nachos in my mouth. I would eat to the point of being sick. Then, I mentally would beat myself up over this. I would follow this up by not eating for a full day to “make up” for being “bad”. I would be so proud of myself for not eating for 24 hours. And then the cycle would repeat.
All of this came to a head in December of 2018. We went to a football game and I had a complete and utter breakdown in front of my husband and kids over food. I could not find anything in the stadium that met my narrow criteria. I had not eaten all day. I wanted coffee to shut up my stomach. I did not believe that the carbonated water my husband offered me was truly calorie free, because it came out of the fountain machine. I lost it. And they all stared at me like I was crazy.
That moment really sucked, but it had to happen. I had to hit rock bottom to recognize that I needed to change. And I could not change the cycle I was in without addressing the root cause of the stressors in my life.
I apologized to my family and I thanked them for putting up with me. I then started counseling. There is NO SHAME in therapy. NONE. Mental health is a serious issue that impacts so many of us in this country today. I am so thankful to have access to find a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. I cried a lot in her office. I let it all out there. I also started attending yoga, and I created a prayer closet in our home. I went on a spiritual retreat. I spent time writing, meditating, praying, and practicing what I was taught in therapy. One of the very first acts was stopping the calorie counting. I had to learn to let go of many things, and this was the first to go. It felt so hard at first, but today I feel free from it. I have more mental space now to focus on so many more productive and positive things.
I also did address the root stressor in my life during this time. It was what was causing me to hate myself. It was so hard, and I continue to heal from that experience. That’s why I call this a journey. On the surface, it seems so simple to just chill out and eat. The thing with disordered eating is that usually there is some sort of undercurrent that needs to be addressed. I did not understand why I was in this binge/restrict cycle – why can’t I just get it together? Now I know why. Eating disorders are about more than food. Eating disorders are biologically influenced mental illnesses. They are not a lifestyle choice. And they can affect anybody.
I do look different from 2015. I gained all my weight back. I got rid of all the clothes that no longer fit me when I was underweight. I am far from fitting in them and that is fine by me, because I believe that our bodies have a natural set point and I am thankful that my body fought for me to get back to that. I also allow rest and recovery from workouts. Most importantly, last year I got my period back. This to me was the biggest indication that I am back to a new normal.
I share my story in hopes that I can enlighten you. Whether you are struggling with disordered eating or know someone who is, I hope that your awareness is raised to the dangers of diet culture. I hope that if you are suffering, you can raise your hand and seek professional help. If you are not, please be mindful of your messaging when you compliment someone for being skinny. That skinny person may be suffering inside and you don’t even know it. The things we say matter.
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